Take Me As I Am
by lily anson
Summary: **SPOILERS** Season 8 Episode 23 (No spoilers are actually *mentioned* but they are part of the background. Most notably the trials.) Summary: Sometimes Crowley gets overwhelmed with self-doubts and feels the need to be hurt. He understands that asking Sam to punish him hurts Sam. He doesn't want to ask for Sam's help anymore. He decides to take matters into his own hands.


**A/N:** Set in my Mooseley universe. It *really* helps if you've read at least the How To Save A Life or Not Quite Vanilla, but it's not needed per se. For those that haven't read any of my Misadventure series you need to know two things. 1. Crowley's bout with human blood and love for Sam left him with the ability to 'tap' into his human side. 2. Sometimes Crowley gets overwhelmed with self-doubts and guilt and feels the need to be hurt. 

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Sam's mind stuttered slightly as it tried to come back online. Something wasn't quite right but sleep still fogged his thoughts. His body tried to lull him back to sleep as his mind continued to insist he wake up instead. It definitely didn't feel like time to wake up but his mind insisted that he couldn't go back to sleep. There a slight movement in the bed. _Yes_ , his mind whispered. Movement and… A whimper, Sam realized. His first thought, as always, was the demon sharing the bed with him. Without opening his eyes he turned onto his side and threw an arm over Crowley. The demon stilled and Sam attempted to go back to sleep.

 _No_ , Sam's mind told him. _Not right._ Sam frowned at the thought. Crowley was still, whatever nightmare he had been having was better now. More of Sam's mind woke up at that thought. _Instantly still_ , his brain asked. Sam finally opened his eyes. Crowley's eyes were squeezed shut and tears streaked the demon's face. Following down Crowley's body Sam noticed the tension in Crowley's muscles as if he were making a concentrated effort not to move. Finally his eyes reached Crowley's groin. Crowley's right hand was wrapped firmly around his penis but not moving. _Movement_ , Sam's mind repeated.

"Crowley," Sam asked confused.

"Didn't want to wake you," Crowley whispered.

Something wasn't quite right. Crowley had woken him to have sex before. He had woken Crowley before. Why would Crowley not want to wake him now? Sam's eyes darted back to the tear stained cheeks. Without thinking Sam wrapped his arm around the demon and snuggled against his side.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

No answer.

Sam lifted his head looking to Crowley's face. "Baby? Talk to me, please?"

Eyes still squeezed shut Crowley shook his head.

"Hey, it's alright. Whatever it is, it's alright."

Crowley shook his head again.

"Crowley," Sam asked concerned. "Talk to me. Now."

"Didn't want to wake you up," Crowley repeated as his bottom lip started to tremble.

"Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." Sam hesitated. "You're scaring me."

Finally Crowley's eyes opened. They blinked several times and another tear streaked down Crowley's right cheek. God he had to do something, he couldn't stand seeing Crowley this upset.

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just tell me what's wrong, baby."

"I need it. I know you hate it but I _need_ it again."

"What? Anything, baby, just tell me what you need."

Crowley shook his head. "You hate it."

Sam's eyes flicked down to Crowley's hand still wrapped around himself. Suddenly everything clicked into place. "You need to be punished," Sam whispered as the realization hit.

Crowley shuddered with the force of an unreleased sob.

"God, baby, you should have said something."

"You hate doing that," Crowley whimpered.

"It's not my favorite thing to do, no. But if you really needed it all you had to do was ask."

"I thought I could take care of it so I didn't have to ask."

Sam dropped his head into the crook of Crowley's neck and wrapped his arms around his demon. Nuzzling against Crowley's neck Sam kissed it. Reaching down he placed a hand lightly on top of Crowley's. He pulled at it gently and waited. After a few seconds Crowley loosened his grip and let Sam move his hand.

"It's all okay, baby. I've got you, everything is okay now."

"Hurts," Crowley whimpered. "Please? Make it stop?"

"Are you ready for this?"

"Yes," Crowley sobbed. "Please. Just make it stop."

Rapidly trying to force himself into the correct headspace Sam sat up. He knew he hadn't quite reached the right place before his hand connected with Crowley's cheek. A loud smack echoed through his mind as well as the room. He cringed at the act and the soft whimper from his demon. He slammed the last of his worries away and focused on the job at hand. Punishment.

"You thought you would take care of yourself? Thought you didn't need me, is that it?"

Crowley whimpered.

"Little whore trying to get off behind my back."

"I'm sorry."

"Not half as sorry as you're going to be," Sam growled.

"I'm so-"

The last half of Crowley's apology was cut short as Sam slapped him again. Crowley flinched back against the bed and began to tremble. The flinch was from fear, not any attempt to escape anything that might follow. When these bouts of self doubt crept into him Crowley fully believed he deserved to be treated this way. He believed he deserved the pain. Never would he try to escape any of this. Sam felt like he might get sick and shoved his emotions away before he broke and comforted Crowley instead.

"You will not speak unless ordered," Sam growled.

Crowley nodded frantically, desperate to agree.

"Good," Sam growled.

Finally the last of his 'dom' personality clicked into place. Leaning down he tangled his fingers in Crowley's hair and squeezed tightly. Crowley whimpered. Sam descended on the demon's mouth with crushing kiss biting at Crowley's lip. He didn't bite hard enough to draw blood. Even in this headspace he somehow realized that would shatter the carefully crafted personality he adopted when Crowley needed this. Breaking the kiss he remained nose to nose with Crowley.

"Human. Now," Sam ordered. If he was allowed to remain fully demonic Sam could use more pain to break him. Ordering him to let his human side take front caused the pain to hurt more.

Crowley whined loudly and stared up at him pleadingly.

"Speak," Sam ordered.

"Already," Crowley whimpered. "Before you…"

"Before I woke up and found you playing with _my toys_?"

"Yes," Crowley whimpered. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing," Sam snapped.

Crowley nodded vigorously.

"Turn."

Crowley scrambled to obey, turning over as quickly as he could. His lay flat on his stomach with his arms straight and at his sides. Sam reached up and placed his hand gently on the top of Crowley's back just below his neck. Lightly he ran his fingers down the demon's back eliciting slight shivers. The trick was alternating. Too much rough and the demon would become used to the pain thus negating the entire process. If he was going to have to do this he had to make sure and do it right. Sam moved to straddle the naked demon.

"You've been bad. You should be glad I'm even taking the time to even deal with you. I could just lock you in the dungeon and let you rot… Alone… Forever."

As expected these words produced several whimpers from the demon. Crowley had a horrible fear of being abandoned. Playing on it was almost too cheap to use but it helped break him faster than anything physical would have. Right now using anything _not_ physical to hurt his demon sounded pretty good to Sam.

Leaning forward Sam placed his mouth on the back of Crowley's neck and bit hard. Crowley arched his back and tried to pull away. Sam growled against the neck and Crowley stopped trying to resist. Instead he tilted his head and lifted his neck allowing Sam more access. Sam added a touch more pressure before finally releasing the neck and running his tongue of the teeth imprints.

"Mine," Sam growled.

Crowley nodded desperately.

"Never forget who you belong to, slut."

Crowley did his best to shake his head with his cheek pressed against the mattress.

"Do. Not. Move."

Crowley did his best to shake his head again.

Standing Sam made his way to the closet. In the far back, on the left side, he grabbed the hanger with his belts. Holding the hanger in his left hand he ran his right hand over his face several times. He inspected the belts finding one of the thinner ones. Quick, sharp pain was needed more this time. Dropping the hanger with the other belts onto the dresser he made his way to the door. This _was_ actually a cheap shot but the quicker they finished, the better. He opened the door, paused and shut it without saying a word.

Every muscle in Crowley's body tensed. Sam _knew_ his demon. Sooner or later Crowley would break. He would become sure Sam had left as he had threatened. Sooner or later Crowley would turn and check to see if Sam was here directly violating the no moving order. The longer Crowley took, the longer Sam was left alone with his own thoughts yelling at him about how he was a monster.

Crowley whimpered softly and Sam fought his basic instincts telling him to comfort his demon. Comfort was for later. For now he had to remain focused. Crowley whimpered again and began to tremble. Sam remained absolutely silent as he watched. He would rather not watch his demon suffering but he needed to know the exact moment when Crowley finally turned. Crowley whimpered and trembled and let out soft keening noises for almost ten minutes before finally breaking. Instead of turning though, Crowley spoke.

"Sam," Crowley whispered, flinching slightly.

Sam chose not to answer. Instead he opted to wait and see if Crowley would speak again or turn his head next. It was five more minutes before Crowley moved. Instead of turning he curled into a ball with his back to Sam and began rocking. Striding forward quickly Sam brought the belt down sharply on Crowley's back. Crowley cried out in pain and surprise.

"I told you do not move!"

Sam whipped Crowley's back several more times as the demon rushed to lay flat on his stomach again. He kept the blows quick and confined the upper back. If he focused them in one area instead of spreading them out then the pain would build more quickly. Sometimes Crowley needed it drawn out and sometimes he just needed it all over and done. The look on Crowley's face when Sam had woken up told Sam exactly how Crowley needed it right now.

"Worthless. Stupid. Good for nothing. Ingrate."

Each insult was punctuated with another strike from the belt. When Crowley finally cried out in pain Sam struck once more and finally stopped. Dropping the belt next to the bed Sam removed his sleep pants and opened the nightstand drawer. He grabbed the lube and put in on top of the nightstand. Climbing into the bed he straddled the demon. Crowley lay beneath him trembling. Leaning forward Sam covered Crowley's back with his chest. He positioned his mouth just over the area of the previous bite.

"Speak," Sam growled.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Didn't mean to disobey. I can be good. I won't disobey again, I promise. I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. Please! I can be good. I can-"

"Stop. You can be a good… what," Sam hissed.

"Slut," Crowley whimpered. "I can be a good slut for you sir."

"Why should I believe you? You haven't been much good at anything else."

Crowley whimpered and shook harder.

"Quiet," Sam ordered.

The demon stopped whimpering but continued to shake. They were already close to tears. He had to back off slightly or he wouldn't be able to finish. In spite of everything he would never be able to take his demon if Crowley were crying. That was the danger of using emotional pain to hurt Crowley. Yes it worked, and worked fast, but sometimes it worked too well. Standing Sam snagged the lube and squeezed some into his right hand.

"Spread for me," he ordered.

Crowley's legs spread as wide as the demon could get them.

Coating his fingers Sam inserted his index finger into Crowley's ass. Crowley started to rock back onto the finger but stopped himself. Sam held his hand still, not moving the finger inside the demon. Crowley gave a soft whine but stayed still. After a few seconds he gave another soft whine.

"Speak."

"Please, sir. I _need_ it. I can be good I promise you. I didn't move, yet. I'm being good. Please? I need it."

"And I should just give it to you, is that it?"

Crowley shook his head. "No. I can… wait. I'm sorry for begging. I can be good. Do as you will with me."

"I intend to," Sam growled.

Roughly he began to fuck Crowley with his index finger. He wasn't as rough as he probably could have been but if there was one thing he wouldn't do even when he was dominating Crowley, it was harm the demon during sex. Half whimpers escaped the demon as Crowley struggled to remain quiet.

"You may speak."

Crowley let out a loud moan. "Feels good, sir. More, please? I need it. Please," Crowley called out in frustration. The demon's body started to move and stopped several times. "Sir? Please! More," Crowley begged.

"I said you could speak. I didn't say you were getting your way. You take what I give you, bitch."

Crowley's body jerked again as he tried to restrain himself from moving. "Yes," he whispered. "Whatever you give me. Anything. I'll take it all. Promise. I'll be your… good little slut," Crowley panted.

Sam inserted a second finger and Crowley's body jerked slightly.

"Trying. Trying so hard. Feels good. Hard to stay still. Trying," Crowley mumbled over and over again. "Yes, please. Fuck me, yes. Use me. I'll be good. Promise."

"You weren't good earlier," Sam reminded him.

"Scared," Crowley whined. "Scared you left. Good now. Promise I'll listen."

"And when I woke up?" Sam asked.

Crowley moaned and whimpered but didn't respond.

"Were you being good then?" Sam pressed.

A long keening whine escaped the demon.

"Were you," Sam asked raising his voice.

Crowley shook his head and whimpered more. "No. I was being bad," Crowley sobbed. "Wake you next time. Always wake you. Sorry. I can be good. I can be-" Crowley's voice choked to a halt as Sam inserted a third finger into him. "Uhnn… Please, sir. Please! I have to move. Please!"

"Bad sluts don't get what they want."

Crowley moaned loudly as his body shook with the effort of restraining himself. When Crowley was stretched enough Sam removed his fingers. He poured more lube into his hand and began lubing himself.

"I should leave you like that. Hot and bothered. Ready to fuck anyone. I could get someone else to fuck you and you'd be just as happy, wouldn't you?"

"No! No, don't," Crowley yelled. "Please! I'm being good, I'm being good! No one else, only you! Only you! Please! Anything you want but only you!"

Sam shoved his fingers back into Crowley's hole.

"You didn't seem to want me earlier," Sam growled.

"Wanted you! Didn't want you hurt! Wanted you! Gods, I wanted… Please, only you!"

Sam removed his fingers and grabbed the belt. Roughly he jerked Crowley's arms behind his back and bound them with the belt. He smacked Crowley's ass once with his right hand. "Ass up, now," he ordered still sitting between Crowley's legs.

Struggling Crowley shifted. Pitching left and right desperately tried to get his legs under himself. With Sam between them keeping them spread wide Crowley couldn't get enough purchase.

"Trying. Can't. Trying. I'm trying to be good. Can't," Crowley sobbed.

"You mean, you can't do it on your own," Sam asked smugly.

Crowley struggled harder still trying to obey. "Can't. Sorry. Forgive me!"

"Crowley," Sam said flatly.

"Trying to obey sir!"

"Crowley, stop," Sam ordered.

Crowley stopped moving and trembled harder. "Tried sir, I did!"

"But you couldn't do it, could you?"

"No, sorry," Crowley whined.

"By yourself. You couldn't do it… by yourself. Crowley? Ask me for help."

"Sir?"

"Ask me to help."

Crowley finally stilled, his breathing still catching occasionally but better.

"Sir?"

"Yes, pet?"

"Can… you help me?"

"Yes," Sam replied, instantly helping Crowley to his knees.

"Thank you," Crowley mumbled.

Sam instantly slid his dick into Crowley's hole and held himself there. Crowley moaned loud and arched his back.

"Uhnn… Gods…. Oh, yes. Yes. Uhnn… Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Sam leaned forward, propping himself up with one arm. The other arm he wrapped around his demon. Finding Crowley's nipple Sam tugged on it. Crowley's back arched farther and the demon moaned again. "See what happens when you're good?"

Crowley nodded frantically, squirming slightly.

"See what happens when you ask for help?"

Crowley nodded again.

"When I woke up what were you being?"

"Bad," Crowley panted.

"When you asked for help what were you being?"

"Good," Crowley panted.

"Good job," Sam praised. "Guess what good little whores get?"

"You?"

"No."

Crowley whined.

"Good _whores_ get sex. Only _you_ will ever get sex with me."

"Mine?"

"Only yours."

"Sex? I was good, you said."

Sam sat up and began fucking Crowley slowly.

"Uhhhnn… Please?"

"No. I set the speed. Be good and maybe I'll go faster."

"Yes sir."

"Crowley?"

"Sir?"

"You can move."

It took all of two seconds. One second for Crowley to hear the words and process what they meant. One second for him to force his muscles to comply. After that Sam had to hold on tight to the demon wriggling below him. Sam smiled as he sped up and slammed into his demon over and over again.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes! Gods! More! Harder!"

"Quietly. You'll wake up Dean."

"More. Fuck. Sir. Hard. More. Please. Love. More."

Sam obliged his demon. Sam frantically tried to hold back his own orgasm desperate to wait for his demon. Crowley continued a litany of words and half finished sentences most of which begging for more or harder. A few times Sam had to shush Crowley to keep him from waking up Dean.

"Sam!"

"Close, baby?"

"Uuuhhh… Please!"

"Come for me," Sam ordered.

Crowley came a split second before Sam finished the words. Sam stared as the demon gave in completely. It was beautiful to see Crowley in so much pleasure he couldn't control himself. The sight of it; the sound of it. Lost in thoughts of how beautiful it was to watch Crowley in the throws of passion Sam's own orgasm took him by surprise. His hips shot forward, shivered slightly and locked against Crowley's. As he came his vision blurred and his body locked completely. The only thing he could sense at that moment was his own pleasure and the cries of Crowley's pleasure ringing in his ears.

After a while Sam realized he was lying slumped forward over Crowley. The demon below him was shaking slightly and Sam tried to understand why. _Punished_ , his mind informed him. As Sam tried to process that a quiet sob reached his ears. Punished! Damn it! Finally things clicked into place. Lifting himself off of Crowley's back Sam eased himself out carefully. His eyes instantly noted the belt still binding Crowley's wrists behind his back. Fuck! I was just laying on top of that. Reaching forward Sam quickly unbound his demon.

"Crowley?"

Another quiet sob. Damn it. He hated this part almost more than any other part. He couldn't wait for the day Crowley stopped feeling like he deserved to be punished. Sam scooted until he was lying next to Crowley. Reaching up he put an arm over Crowley and drew the demon down into his arms. Crowley uttered another broken sob.

"Shh, baby. It's okay, it's all over."

"I'm sorry, Sam. I thought… If I could just… I tried so hard…"

"No, baby. Always tell me. I hate seeing you hurt more than anything else."

"I know," Crowley sobbed. He turned until he was facing Sam and clutched onto Sam tightly. "I know. And then I need it and it hurts you."

"God, baby, I'd give anything to be able to fix this."

Crowley dissolved into tears.

"Shh, baby, I'm here. I've got you and I'm not going anywhere."

"Sam."

"Yeah, baby. It's me. I've got you."

"Don't leave me."

"No, baby. I'm not leaving you ever."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for." Sam started rocking them slowly. "I've got you baby. Always tell me if you need that. Never hide that from me, please?"

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for, baby. It's okay, I've got you."

"Sam?"

"Baby?"

"Love you," Crowley whispered brokenly.

"I love you too, baby. Shh, everything's okay now. Calm down for me?"

Crowley, his head still buried against Sam's chest, nodded.

"I've got you. I'm not ever going to leave you, okay?"

Crowley nodded again.

Sam continued murmuring loving things to his demon and eventually Crowley's shaking slowed and finally stopped. Sam continued rocking them even after he knew Crowley was asleep. God he hated hurting his demon. He hated the thought of Crowley suffering in silence more. He would do what it took to force himself to do whatever Crowley needed for as long as Crowley needed it before he ever let Crowley suffer.

"I love you," Sam whispered.

Several hours later Sam finally fell asleep still holding Crowley tightly in his arms.


End file.
